


awkward moments in the eyes of a crow

by MyNightmareIsMyMirror



Series: My hot neighbors won't leave me alone [2]
Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Annoying PTA Parents, M/M, Multi, Nosy Churchgoers, Oblivious Contractors, Rowdy Bar Patrons, Scandalized Goths, Smug Hipsters, Thirsty Softball Moms, crow doesn't know how to social
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-08-13 09:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20172205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyNightmareIsMyMirror/pseuds/MyNightmareIsMyMirror
Summary: 'Why me?' Crow thought as he looked upon at the ongoing chaos in front of him, various woman all yelling at him about his fidelity concerning his boyfriends.





	1. Night of the Thirsty Moms

**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever spend twenty minutes in the shower in the morning, thinking over past arguments you had, but this time you're winning?

Crowmark wasn’t usually an outdoor person, even though most of his work involved him being outside. Then again, most of his time spent outside was back in Brooklyn, looking over crime scenes… and dead bodies.

Okay, so he needed to get outside more. It seemed that the Universe decided to give him a break from beating his morality and existence into the ground because Craig texted him at his usual six in the morning telling him about an upcoming softball game with the Flapjacks playing against the neighboring city’s Seagull’s.

As usual, the game was going to be taking place at the softball field around 7 PM. It was only noon, so he had some time to kill. Might as well get around to looking like a somewhat functional human being. Better start with a shower then.

As Crow ran the dog shampoo Damien gave him through his hair (supposedly makes it softer and more shiny), he thought about his life, as one always does in the shower. Seven partners, three dogs, and a multitude of children. Definitely not what he thought his love life would turn into after his wife’s death. Of course he missed Alex everyday, but he knew for certain that she would be happy that he found a new family in the sleepy town of Maple Bay.

_ ....Okay, that’s enough emotional vulnerability for a single shower. Time to get dressed. What does one even wear to sporting events? _

“Amanda!” Crowmark called out out of the small crack of his bedroom door.

“Yeah?” She yelled back.

“Softball game, seven at night, what do I wear?”

“Polyester shirt, the small one, denim jeans, and sneakers!” She answered without preamble.

“Thanks, Panda!”

“No prob, Pops! Gotta teach you how to blend in with society before I shove off to college!”

_ I love my daughter so much. Now that the attire is set, I gotta find some way to sneak my coat out without her seeing it…_

* * *

His coat didn’t make it.

_ “Trench coats aren’t what people wear to softball games, Pops! Besides, this thing is gonna become sentient if it goes another day without washing. I swear, you and this coat are just like Mr. Small and his leather jacket…” _

_ Hmph. I’ll wear the sandals next time, just to spite her. With socks. Heh._

Alright, now where did Craig tell him to meet him again? Ah, right. Thirsty’s pizza. Crow still thinks that the name is contradictory to itself, but pizza is pizza. As he opened the front door that had all kinds of grease smeared fingerprints on it, he was almost immediately snatched into a hug that was just below the intensity of a bear hug, or, a bro hug.

“Crow, bro!” Craig’s booming voice sounded in his tinnitus-ridden ears. “You made it!” He sounded a mix of delighted and relieved. Crowmark could immediately see why when he looked over Craig’s shoulder to the crowd of women- no doubt the infamous softball moms that his boyfriend was lowkey terrified of. There was a gap in the middle of the hoard of women, Craig must’ve broke the circle they had him in to greet him in a hug that was definitely lasting longer than simple friends. And the softball moms probably noticed this according to their displeased faces.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, pal.” Crowmark said, patting Craig’s back. “Amanda would’ve come too, but she’s waiting for HIA to get back with her roommate survey results. She’s so excited to see who’s she gonna get.”

“I get that feeling, bro.” Craig replied, finally pulling away from their embrace. “Though I do remember in our college how it was just randomized. I got lucky with the best two roommates ever.” He beamed brightly.

Crowmark huffed, “Okay, first of all, I was a total asshole to you when we first met; second, Carl wasn’t only the best roommate ever, he was our mascot. Remember he would bark to let us know when _Th__e Bachelor _came on?”

Craig smiled wistfully, “He was always a fan of the under_dogs _ on that show.”

“Your dad jokes aren't appreciated.” Crowmark sighed exasperatedly. “I mean, they’re not even funny.”

“Don’t worry, bro.” Craig patted him on the back. “We all know you’re a pun master when you’re trashed. We’ll get Robert and Mary to draw 'em out for us, so we can see how bad they are.”

“You wouldn’t.” Crowmark called his bluff, eyes narrowed.

“I wouldn’t, but Mary would.” Craig shrugged.

“Can’t argue with that.” Crowmark conceded, crossing his arms.

Just as Craig was about to say something, and shrill voice called from behind him, “Oh, _ Craigggg! _”

Craig sighed, “You ready to face them, bro?”

“Right behind you, man.” Crowmark nodded. “Won’t leave your side for a second, I’ll even throw a few firefighter calendars to distract them.”

Craig laughed and they made their way back over to the team and the over-involved parents. He barely managed to sit down in his previously vacated spot in a booth before a bunch of women were quite literally all over him again. Crowmark chuckled at his boyfriend’s uncomfortable expression, he was never the jealous type, so the whole situation just amused him more than anything.

Crowmark suddenly felt a pair of hands grab him by each of his hands, they started dragging him to the booth adjacent to the one Craig was in. Crow knew that it was the twins, he could feel their matching braid bracelets brushing against his arm. He was sat down in a booth and an identical pair of eyes were staring at him in the seat across from him.

“Hey, girls.” He greeted with a small smile. 

“Hello, Pops/Crow.” Briar and Hazel said at the same time. Crow didn’t mind that some of the children called him by his name, he sometimes preferred it since it just seemed too early to be calling him anything over than ‘Crow’.

“You two look like you’re scheming, what is it?” He asked with a suspicious but playful narrowing of his eyes.

“Ugh, how can you always tell!” Hazel huffed in aggravation.

“Intuition comes with the job.” Crow simply said. “You learn to pick up on these kinds of things.”

“Fine.” Hazel pouted. “We _ are _planning something.”

“But it’s something you’ll like!” Briar added on.

Crowmark sat back and rubbed his chin, feeling the prickliness of his seemingly permanent five o’clock shadow. He had to admit, he was curious. “Lay it on me.”

* * *

_ This is a terrible idea, _ Crowmark mused to himself as he sat idly, watching the Flapjacks crush the Seagull’s. He didn’t want to disappoint the girls since they seemed to have been planning this for over two weeks, so he just decided to go with it despite the embarrassment he knew he was going to face. If he could perform Ska in front of a crowd of judgy hipsters for Mat, he could do this.

“That’s halftime!” The announcer’s voice called over the field. Crowmark sighed and started trudging down the bleacher, that was his queue.

Of course, he was beaten to Craig by the softball moms, unsurprisingly. However, Craig wasn’t his intended target, he instead went to where the Flapjacks were gathered and was immediately yanked towards the group by the twins, who had immediately spotted him walking over.

“Is this Coach Cahn’s boyfriend?” One of the girls asked the twins.

“Yes.” Hazel said. “You all remember the plan, right?” She asked the rest of the team of girls, to which some nodded and muttered _ yes_’s. “Great.”

“I would just like to say that I would’ve never agreed to this if it wasn’t for the puppy eyes.” Crowmark said, _ absolutely not _pouting.

“Your opinion has been thoroughly noted and ignored.” Briar said cheerfully.

Craig was mentally counting down the minutes until halftime ended as he struggled to keep up with the multiple women attempting to catch his attention. Just as he was about to think of a desperate excuse, a voice broke over the statements of adoration and comments on his physique.

“HEY DAD! YOU KEEP TALKING TO THOSE LADIES AND POPS MIGHT START TO FEEL LEFT OUT!” Briar yelled from across the field, holding up Crowmark’s hand as if to make sure no one could mistaken who she was talking about. As this all was happening, the team of Flapjacks simultaneously held up signs which had messily drawn arrows pointing to Crow with hearts, kiss marks, and pops of glitter strewn all over them. Amongst the bright pinks and reds, one sign stood out saying, "One, two, three, four: don't yawn, Coach Cahn, kiss your mon!" Crowmark didn't bother pointing out that not everyone would pronounce 'man' like a Jamaican accent would. The girls have been working on this for what could have been a couple of days, he's not that cruel.

Crowmark couldn’t do more than give a small, awkward wave when the moms, and pretty much everyone’s attention went to him and Briar. Despite the amount of embarrassment he felt, he couldn’t help but feel he did the right thing when Craig’s infinitely relieved expression popped out from behind the women and started jogging over to him. He practically jumped into his arms and Crowmark huffed in surprise as he felt Craig’s legs lock around his waist, he was quick to loop his arms under Craig’s thighs. He never thought he would be thanking the rigorous training he went through as a rookie cop, but here he is.

“Sorry, _babe_.” Craig said, emphasizing the pet name as he gave Crowmark a sweetheart’s kiss. When Craig deemed the kiss long enough, he unwound his legs from Crow and steadied himself back onto the ground with the help of the detective. Craig made it a point (as if he hadn’t enough of one yet) to grab his hand firmly and drag him back his team’s setup area, away from the moms.

Once they had taken a seat on a designated bench, he and Craig watched as the Flapjacks played some kind of game that had them sitting in a circle.

“That was their plan, wasn’t it?” Craig suddenly spoke up.

Crowmark didn’t even try denying it, “Yes.”

“Well, it should get Janet and her herd off my back for a few weeks before they’re back at it.” Craig sighed, smiling as he ran a hand through his black hair.

“Guess I gotta be here to remind them, huh?” Crowmark chuckled lowly.

“Yup. It’s your duty as my bro-friend, bro.” Craig punched him in the arm. “Anyways, we got about seven more minutes 'till halftimes up. Help me get some bicep workouts in?” He asked, getting to a push-up position.

“Anytime, man.” Crowmark said, settling himself onto Craig’s back.


	2. Brownies or Blonde Beefcake?

_How many bake sales does one church need to have? _Crow pondered this as he ambled down the sidewalk, he had walked to this destination enough times to know it by memory. Probably because of all the damn _ bake sales. _ It’s like they have one every week.

Crowmark couldn’t help but feel grumpy, probably because Craig had caught him on the way out of the cul-de-sac since he was on his morning run and confiscated his extremely caffeinated coffee and replaced it with a granola bar. Crow tried to tell him how much he needed it _ because I stayed up late with Robert again to watch Sean Connery’s whole filmography. I don’t regret it, but I need coffee to be even a half decent person today. _

Of course, it didn't work. All he had gotten was a kiss with a reassurance that he was a more than decent person and the bar that was now just a shiny wrapper in his coat pocket. Amanda had been asleep and therefore couldn’t stop him from taking his trusty trench coat along for the ride. The perks of waking up early, he supposed.

Since he was as well as half dead, he wasn’t exactly paying attention where he was walking, though he did know that he was getting close if the cheerful chattering and church bells in the distance didn’t tip him off. He mentally sighed as he made it to the corner turn he had to make around the general store. Crowmark smiled slightly to himself at the memory of him and Robert knocking back Zinfandel on the sidewalk.

Now all he had to do was keep that good mood so he could convince some passive aggressive assholes to buy some damn brownies.

Crow couldn’t help but admire the modest church, despite him not being all that religious, he had been raised Catholic and you never really could stay away from your roots for long. The church strangely had a similar color scheme to Joseph’s own house, cream white and navy blue. Though no matter how nice the church looked, it couldn’t stop the light migraine he got from seeing the devastatingly familiar yellow and white striped tents along the well-watered lawn.

He was considering backing out, even as he kept trekking towards his pastry-induced demise. He knew it was too late as soon as a familiar tuft of blonde hair poked out from the sea of people with his arms held out in a welcoming position.

“Mark!” Joseph greeted him with a hug. Now, Crowmark doesn’t really do hugs, but couldn’t find it in him to push the man away for inexplicable reasons. “I’m so glad you’re here, we’re really bombed today, we can use all the help we can get!” Without waiting for Crow’s response, he grasped him firmly by the hand, as if he’d try to bolt, which, _ fair. _

“You’re gonna be my partner in crime today, Mark!” Joseph declared as he led Crow to a chair in front of an array of cupcakes. “We have to get all these cupcakes off the table!”

“Gotcha.” Crow nodded and went for a joke since his regular capacity to act normal went out the window the moment Craig took away his life force for the day. “Find a home for all these ‘cakes. They don’t need to know the details of said home.”

Thankfully, his attempt at early morning cleverness seemed to play out the way he had hoped and Joseph laughed heartily, taking the seat next to him. “Good one, Mark. I always look forward to your unique brand of humor.

Oh. “Oh.” Crowmark said smartly. “Uh, thanks.”

Joseph just smiled again and looked forward as a couple was walking over to their booth. “Hello there, Mr. and Mrs. Overly, can I interest either of you in a homemade brownie by chance?” 

“Oh, why that would be lovely Joseph!” Mrs. Overly crooned. Crow resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the fluttering of her lashes and painfully obvious tint to her cheeks.

“But sweetie, we have brownies at ho-” Her seemingly oblivious husband started to say.

“Hush dearest!” She said snappily, yet somehow cheerful.

Crow rose an eyebrow at her as if to say _ I know what you’re doing _ while Joseph remained none the wiser as he gathered two brownies in a light blue napkin.

Of course, Crow was bored and decaffeinated, so it was time to start some shit.

Now usually Crow wouldn’t be the wrathful type, but then again he hasn’t had any _ fucking coffee _, so that changes things.

_ Too late now, _ he thought to himself and leaned back into a more relaxed position, “Hey Joseph, remember that time we went on your yacht?” He started nonchalantly. “Oh right,” He said, turning to include the couple in the conversation. “Jos has a yacht, real nice and ritzy.” He carefully implemented the cutesy nickname that supposedly only he could use. “It’s real nice to go out and drink some wine. Beautiful sunset too, perfect time is to go during the afternoon, absolutely gorgeous.”

“Ah yes, that was quite fun, wasn’t it Mark?” Joseph joined in, still blissfully unaware of Mrs. Overly’s twitching eye over her strained smile. “Though we did have a few too many and ended up creating our own kind of dance.” The blonde chuckled.

“That’s very nice.” Mrs. Overly said in a voice more stern than before, she had her hands clasped in front of her now. They were turning white. 

Once Joseph had finished bagging up their napkin-wrapped brownies, Mr. Overly had just enough time to hand Joseph the two dollars and get the bag before his wife was dragging him away with barely concealed contempt.

Joseph looked after them with confusion, “That was strange,” He said after a moment. “Usually Mrs. Overly is ecstatic for conversation. Not today, I suppose.” He shrugged and sat back.

It was nostalgically quiet until Joseph let out a gasp, “Oh, McDonald! I forgot to mention the raffle to everyone!” He stood up but seemed to remember that he had a booth to run. “Mark, could you hold down the fort for a few minutes?” He asked hurriedly.

“Sure, pal. Go on, the brownies will be in my not-so-capable-but-I’m-all-you-got hands.” Crowmark ushered him away. Joseph gave him a grateful smile and disappeared into the crowd, quickly weaving his way towards the stage. Crow followed the blonde hair through the sea of people until he could clearly see Joseph atop the stage.

Joseph tapped the mic, causing a loud thumping to come through the speakers. After everyone had quieted down suitably enough, he spoke. “Hello everyone, I must have forgotten a few pieces of my brain at home since I forgot to tell you all about the raffle we are doing.” He got some chuckles from the crowd. “You have a chance to win a treat from each booth is you do win, so don’t miss out!” He said with a charming, closed eye grin that tempted Crowmark to grab some sunglasses from the sheer brightness of it. “Before I go, are there any questions that need answering?” He asked the crowd.

A hand rose from the crowd and a familiar voice rang out, “Yes, I must ask about your friend Joseph.” Mrs. Overly said in a voice dripping with honey. “Is he having a tough time in the streets? Poor thing looks dreadfully tired.” She said with faux concern.

Joseph looked put out at the implication, but didn’t let his facial features change other than a slight raise of his eyebrows. “Uh no, Mrs. Overly…” He said with a confused lilt to his voice. “Crowmark isn’t homeless. In fact, he’s one of the most responsible people I know. I admire him a great deal.” He said so earnestly that it made Crow feel a slight warmth in his cheeks as he ducked his head that he would deny if ever asked.

Crowmark didn’t hear Mrs. Overly say anything else, so he took that as a win. After Joseph had answered a thin older woman when the next youth group meetup would be, the blonde took his place next to the detective, who was still valiantly trying to ward off the heat in his cheeks.

“Sorry if I embarrassed you, Mark.” Joseph said, sheepishly rubbing the nape of his neck. “Sometimes I just let my mouth wander.” He laughed nervously as a tint of red overtook his high cheekbones.

Crow just shrugged, playing the nonchalant act. “It’s alright, Joseph. Just not used to being complimented, ‘specially in front of so many people.” He muttered, scratching his neck.

“I can understand that.” Joseph replied, nodding. “But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it again to prove a point.”

Crow attempted to peek out from under his bangs, only to remember they were no longer hanging in front of his face, thanks to the “hipster haircut” Amanda made him get. “What point would that be?”

“That you’re a person worth admiring, of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for fun, I'm including Crow's new haircut. Link's below.
> 
> https://victoriasglamour.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/1-280.jpg


	3. Wild Pineapples

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who saw the Christmas lights in Jim and Kim's and immediately thought "Stranger Things"?

...Almost…

....patience, Crowmark, patience….

…

NOW.

Rushing out from behind his cherry blossom tree, Crowmark scooped up a startled ball of fur into his hands. “Gotcha!” He exclaimed, holding the thrashing cat in his arms. Amanda called him crazy when he said he had been hearing something lurking in their backyard for a while, but who’s the crazy one now, Panda?

_ Probably still you since you’re talking to yourself. _

“No one asked for your opinion.” Crowmark grumbled, tucking the cat firmly into his smartly covered arm while digging his phone out of his pocket with his free hand. He fumbled with password before tapping _contacts_ and putting the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Mary? Yeah, found another one." He said into the speaker. "My backyard. How many we missing now? Alright, I’ll drop this one off as soon as I can. Okay, bye.” He tucked his phone back into his pocket and hefted the cat up as he slid open his backdoor. After a bit of struggle, he managed to get the ferocious feline into the carrier he had strategically placed on his kitchen counter. It turned out that there was hole in the cat play area at the shelter and over fifteen cats had gotten out before someone managed to catch it. So far, they had managed to wrangle ten, the one Crow just found being the eleventh.

“Panda, I’m headed to the shelter!” Crow hollered to his daughter.

“Found number eleven?” She yelled back, her voice slightly muffled by her closed door.

“Yeah, this one’s extra grumpy, so I gotta get going!” Crow said, swiping his keys from the side table and shoving his coat on hurriedly as the cat continued to growl warningly from it’s containment.

“Alright dad, love you!”

“Love you too, Panda!” He responded, shutting the door and locking it before walking over his cruiser and setting the cat in the passenger seat. 

* * *

“If we keep this pace up, we should be able to find all these stressful furballs before the week’s over.” Mary huffed as she checked Captain Snuffles off the list of missing felines.

“I still can’t believe Brian found five of them in his mulch supply, who knew cats liked garden equipment so much?” Crow shrugged and winced at the memory of the mulch ridden shed with cats rolling around in it. That had taken _ so _long to clean up, not to mention all the back pain that night…

“Yeah well, cats are assholes.” Mary scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“I hear that.” Crowmark grunted. “Had a cat when I was seven, bit my Gramps, he got an infection and we had to go to the hospital at four in the morning for stitches.”

Mary hummed in response and filed away Captain Snuffle’s information folder as available for adoption again. “Hey sailor,” She said over her shoulder. “Smalls and I are headed to Jim and Kim’s to cause some trouble, wanna come commit some arson with us?”

“You know how to treat a guy to a good time.” Crowmark said, sixty percent serious. “Sure, let me let Manda know real quick.” He shot a quick text to Amanda telling her about his new plans, to which she sent a cat with sunglasses, dressed as a biker with ‘Ride or Die’. He smiled slightly and dropped his phone into his coat pocket just as Mary was locking the file cabinet.

“Let’s roll.” She drawled and sauntered from behind the counter and out the door, locking the door after Crowmark had stepped out after her. 

* * *

“And so, Tessa was petty enough to step on her foot, while she was wearing _ six inch heels. _” Mary regaled Robert and Crow with stories of Suburban Moms and their passive aggressiveness. Robert winced and laughed at the thought of being stepped on by what was basically a fatter version of a needle.

“She have to go to the hospital?” Crowmark asked, taking a sip of his vanilla coke.

“Yeah, but not after ‘accidentally’ tossing Tessa’s cheesecake that no one ever eats anyway with the excuse that she thought it was something the children dragged in from the trash cans out back.” This prompted another round of laughter from Robert and a small chuckle from Crowmark.

“If you think that’s bad, you should’ve seen this guy I arrested from the park past midnight.” Crow huffed a laugh from the memory.

“He naked?” Mary asked, probably from experience with drunk people.

Crow raised an eyebrow, “He was wearing a dress which was essentially a scarf tied around his waist.” This prompted Robert into more giggles. “Anyway, he wasn’t drunk, probably high, but kept going on and on about Oprah or whatever, but I just thought that if he wanted to be a woman so much, he would’ve put more effort into it.” He rolled his eyes. “He was basically just wearing a tangled up black wig and a tacky red cocktail dress that was a size too small. Almost got a glimpse of something I’d rather not have to write in my report.” He rolled his eyes.

After the laughing had gone down, Robert looked over and smiled at Crow. The other man smiled back as the cryptid hunter sneakily slid his hand into the detective’s, squeezing slightly. Mary watched them with a steady gaze and scoffed with a small minuscule up-curl of her lips, “Come on fellas, only thirty minutes in and we’re already getting sappy? This has to be a new record.” She said with fond exasperation.

“Aw, leave ‘em alone, Mary.” A new voice joined the conversation. The trio turned in their seats to see Neil walking towards them with a bowl of pretzels and chips. “I don’t get to see much lovey dovey stuff working here, let me take what I can get.” He said, nudging her playfully as he sets the bowl down on their table.

“Yeah, let the Jim and Kim’s notorious lovebirds have their moment.” Sam, a regular, drawled as he took a sip (more of a gulp, really) of his beer.

“Alright, alright, no need to double down on me.” Mary said with a surrender of her hands.

“Hmph. I don’t get it, I’ve been chatting up Robert for years, he never got that cushy with me.” A woman Crow doesn’t really recognize complains, tracing her finger around the rim of her martini glass.

“Well, I guess you could say Rob’s like a stray, only trusting a few people and not letting anyone else get close, lest he bite you to hell and back.” Crow smirked at the indignant expression on his boyfriend’s face.

Robert narrowed his eyes at him, then his lips curled upward into a smug grin as an idea came to him. “Then I guess you’re like a koala, damn grumpy, sleeps a lot, and secretly likes to cuddle.”

Crowmark glared at him, but didn’t let his hand go. “How dare you.” He just about growled, playful and challenging.

Robert leaned in, “Eye for an eye. I go down, I’m taking you with me. I’m technically supposed to knife you in the thigh, but I think Queensbury rules can be put off for this one.”

“I’m so lucky.” Crow deadpanned with another roll of his eyes, but smiled anyway when Robert pecked him on the lips.

“Ugh, stop.” Mary groaned. “I’m getting a damn cavity just watching you two.”

“Yeah,” The same woman from before scoffed. “No one needs to see that when they’re trying to have a good time.”

“Hey, they’re my friends, only I can bag on them.” Mary said with a warning narrow of her eyes and a disdainful downturn of her lips.

“Still,” The woman rolled her eyes and repeats her words. “No one needs to see that.”

“I do.” Neil adds on, watching the woman carefully as he cleans a glass from behind the counter. “I think it’s nice that they love each other so much.”

“Yeah,” Heather, another regular and Sam’s friend, piped up. “It’s certainly a nice contrast to all the alcohol and depression I’ve seen run through here. No offense, Neil.”

“None taken.” He said with a dismissive shake of his head.

“Why are you guys defending them?” The woman asks, seeming genuinely confused. “They’re being publicly indecent and I don’t want them shoving their PDA in my face.” She accentuated the disgust with a firm cross of her arms.

“Are they really being indecent, or are you just lashing out because Crow over there managed to get tall, dark, and gruffy to talk to him without even trying when you couldn’t even get a word out of him even after months of you throwing yourself at him?” Sam asked with a raised eyebrow as he pointedly set his pint down.

“You don’t know shit.” The woman replied lamely with a noticeable flush on her cheeks. Crow couldn’t tell if she was embarrassed or just _ really _drunk. Maybe both.

“Ma’am,” Neil started cautiously. “I think you should leave.”

She jerked her gaze to him. “_ What _? But I haven’t done anything but tell my opinion.”

“An opinion no one asked for.” Heather glared over the top of her glass.

“I’ve seen enough bar fights to know that this is almost always how they start.” Neil continued. “So, I think it would be best for everyone if you left.”

“Fine!” She sneered. “Last time I ever come here for a night out!” She snatched her purse from the counter and stomped out the door, letting it slam behind her with a resounding _ bang _.

“She said that like anyone would care whether or not she came back.” Mary quipped after a moment of silence.

Robert shrugged, “I guess no one will mind if I do this then.” And, before Crowmark could react, the other man laid a kiss on him, this one lasting longer than the first.

Crow pulled away, smiling slightly, and looked at Robert in the amber lighting of the bar. The Christmas lights added a playful tint to his skin. “I know I don’t.” He simply said and went back to kissing him.


	4. The Muse with Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever close your eyes in the shower and think, "Okay, a demon's right behind me and is about to eat me."

Butter, toast, orange juice, bacon, and pineapple jam. _ Perfect, now to wake Amanda for- _

“BREAKFAST!” Amanda whooped, jogging into the kitchen. “The scent of bacon calls my tortured soul!”

_ Like father, like daughter. _

“Morning, Panda.” Crowmark, always quiet in the morning, murmured as he placed her loaded plate in front of her. He barely had time to pull his hand away before she was grabbing her silverware and digging in.

“Mmm,” She hummed happily. “I’m gonna miss this when I’m at college.”

Crowmark smiled, despite the unpleasant thought of her leaving. “You still have my number, Panda. Send me requests and they’ll be at your dorm doorstep within a day or two.” He let out a startled huff and almost dropped the plate he was cleaning when she bum rushed him in a hug from behind.

“Thanks, dad.” She whispered into his back.

“Anytime, Manda Panda.” He ruffled her morning nest of a hair. “Now, why don’t you go get dressed, you promised to babysit Ernest without him knowing he’s being babysat and meet up with Lucien, right?”

“Yup.” She confirms.

“Go on then, I’ll clean up.”

Amanda headed back to her room with a _ Thanks, Pops! _thrown over her shoulder before her door shuts. Just as he places the last cup on the drying rack and dries his hands, his phone dings from its place on the counter. He throws the rag over his shoulder and swipes his phone from the smooth countertop and opens it to find a text notification, it’s from Mat. He had long since stopped using DadBook since Amanda leaked his number to the whole neighborhood.

** _Mat: Hey Crow, I was just wondering if you were busy. there’s another concert in the Sound Garden later tonight and maybe you wanted to go with me again? if that’s okay, I mean._ **

Crowmark couldn’t help but smile slightly, even in text Mat sounded nervous and shy. It was… cute. _ No. I did not just think that. I don’t think things are cute. _

** _Me: hey pal that sounds like fun. What time?_ **

Crow felt a little guilty that he was keeping it so painfully casual, especially after they kissed, but, and Amanda would agree with him on this, he _ should not _try to flirt or use affectionate nicknames. He is absolutely terrible when it comes to being cutesy and soft; it’s the best for everyone, really.

Luckily, Mat doesn’t seem to notice or care.

** _Mat: round eight thirty. Meet at the Coffee Spoon at seven?_ **

** _Me: That works see you then._ **

Crowmark mentally debates adding something along the lines of honeybun, sweetheart, or babe, but immediately shuts the idea down and locks it away deep in his mind, next to what he managed to learn in college. Forgotten, but still there for some reason.

* * *

“I’m heading out, Manda!” Crowmark calls out to his daughter as he slides his coat on. _ He has an excuse this time, dammit. It’s chilly out tonight, he can wear his coat to prevent a breach in comfort. _

“Hold it! Let’s see what you’re wearing.” She pops out of nowhere and in front of him, blocking his way out. She scans his outfit including a sensible plain black shirt, jeans, his coat, and sneakers- _ no, not sandals, who do you think I am? _

She hummed, “Not bad, but could be better.” She runs back and Crow can hear her rummaging around in their bathroom. She reemerges with a small bottle, she dabs some of the cologne behind his ears and a bit on his collar bone. “This’ll go good with your hair.”

He doesn’t know how cologne can tie in with hair, but doesn’t question it. “Thanks, Panda.” He kisses her forehead and opens the door. With a final wave, he closes it and locks it behind him.

* * *

When Crow enters the Coffee Spoon, two things are apparent. One, the place looks a lot different when closed. Second, Mat is standing behind the counter, facing away from the front door and talking to himself. He doesn’t seem to have noticed Crowmark standing there awkwardly.

“Okay Sella,” Mat said to the chalkboard he was writing on. “It’s just a little outing to a concert, no big deal. And if the night ends with a little kiss, then that won’t hurt one bit.” He says somewhat calmly, then slams the chalk on the back counter, making Crow jump. “But what if he doesn’t want to kiss?!” Mat grips his hair. “Or what if he does, but wants me to initiate and if I don’t he’ll think I’m not interested in him?” 

Crowmark watches idly as Mat stresses over their plans, which he wasn’t even aware was a date (not that he minded). Maybe he should step in…?

“Uh, Mat?” Crowmark begins hesitantly. The other man lets out a screech and turned around so quickly his hair flies.

“Oh, Crow!” He says, gripping a hand to his chest and supporting himself against the counter. “W-When did you get here?”

Crowmark shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “‘Bout three minutes ago.”

“Uh, right.” Mat scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “Sorry about that.” He looks away sheepishly.

“Don’t worry about it, pal.” Crow reassures him. “‘Sides, it was kinda sweet, never had anyone freak out over _ me _before.” He chuckles. “Feels a little nice.”

Mat smiles shyly, despite his heated cheeks. “Oh, well, uh, thanks?” He said with an unsure lilt to his voice.

“Sure thing. Now,” Crow holds the door open. “You ready to go?”

* * *

It was loud. Very loud.

Luckily, Mat had the foresight to bring earplugs again, so the noise was lightly muffled. Jonathan Jones and the Speakeasy Choir had somehow found their way back on stage, so no one was really paying attention, instead choosing to check out the merch, use the bathroom, or talk to each other.

Crowmark and Mat were just sitting in the corner by Pablo’s booth, content in the relative quietness and hoping no one would try to talk to them. And of course, the Universe is a dick, so a voice called out, seemingly to Mat.

“Hey, Mat!” A youth with tastefully purple hair and glasses waved frantically to catch the man’s attention, which she did after Mat scanning the crowd with a confused look before settling on her.

“Hey, Benita!” He greeted back and let himself be pulled into a hug. “How you been?” He asked once they pulled back.

“Great, great. Josie's just had her litter last week. Five adorable new pups!” She squeals.

“That’s great!” Mat said earnestly.

“Hey, the gangs here tonight, wanna come join us and listen to the lineup together? After JJ&SC, of course.” She scoffed at the band, who miraculously haven’t been kicked off stage yet.

“Oh, uh, man, I don’t know…” Mat said, looking a bit terrified at the prospect of _ more people_, though his social interaction had gotten better since Crow had helped him get back on stage, he still found it difficult to be around too many people. “I’m here with my, um.... friend…?” He trailed off, looking anxious and nervous.

“_ Boy_friend.” Crowmark corrected, stepping up and putting an arm around Mat, who relaxed and smiled a bit at the gesture.

The girl, apparently named Benita, looked as if Crowmark just told her she won the lottery. “Mat, you’re dating?! You have a boyfriend?! Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why didn’t you tell _ me_?” Before Mat could even begin to put together his response, he was pulled into a hug, along with Crowmark, who managed to look more awkward than he did.

“C’mon,” The girl was now pulling them into the throng of youths and concert goers. “We have to tell everyone!” 

After what seemed like years of being yanked to some unknown destination, dodging youths and drunk hippies, they finally stopped when they reached the main stage, where one of the band members of Jonathan Jones and the Speakeasy Choir ever was about to do his ankle-breaking bit. Benita led them to a door which seemed to be the backstage entrance and shoved them inside before either could protest and shut the door behind herself when she entered behind them.

Crowmark didn’t know what he was expecting, but a group of bright-haired and tattooed youths chugging down beers and whooping around an old pinball machine seemed close enough.

“Hey, guys!” Benita clasped her hands around her mouth and yelled. “Mat’s here, with his _ boyfriend! _”

Predictably, the last bit seemed to catch the _ five, six_, seven youths’ attention; their gazes went from the beaten up game machine to Crowmark and Mat, who were a mixture of uncomfortable and out of place (Mat being the former, Crow the latter).

“Mat finally got a boyfriend!” A guy cheered after a prolonged silence, prompting the others to cheer along.

“I was wondering when someone would finally notice that piece of chocolate!” Crow’s eyebrows went above his hairline at that while Mat covered his face with his hand in the more ashamed version of a facepalm.

* * *

After being on the receiving end of numerous jabs and taunts, Crow and Mat were saved by the director coming in and telling them it was time for the group to go on stage.

“Lovely friends you got, Mat.” Crowmark said dryly, munching on his popcorn.

Mat sighed, “Yeah… sorry about them, they can be a bit… out there.”

“It’s no problem, they're your friends, so I’ll find someway to make it work.” Crow replied with a side glance at Mat accompanied with a small grin. “Besides, they called me mackadocious and babelicious, whatever the hell those mean. I think I can put up with the tasteless remarks.”

Mat beamed back and waited until Crowmark’s attention was turned back to stage, where Mat’s friends were setting up and started scooting closer to him until their thighs and arms were touching. Crow didn’t say anything, but curled his hand around Mat’s until they were clasped together and resting on their laps.

It was lovely and blissful, that is, until the voice called over the mic system and filled the packed room. “We’re Storm Searchers and we dedicate this song to our friend Mat and his smoking boyfriend!”

Two identical groans were heard over the cheering crowd.


	5. Thou Crow of Carpentry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I still typing in notes? The same reason you think of your ships when you're supposed to be doing your math test.

“Where’s the sheep sauce?!” An angry expert chef yelled on the TV, waving a lamb chop around wildly in the air as he raged on one of the toddler chef contestants.

“Why the hell am I watching this?” Crowmark muttered to himself.

“Time for the elimination round.” The TV host announced after giving the famous chef, Fordon Hamsey, took his court-ordered early noon Zoloft. “Bring out the scrap bucket!” Two burly men came into the camera’s view, wheeling a large pulley system shaped like a guillotine with a bucket instead of a blade at the top. After Todd Toddleson was chosen to be sent off, he was placed under the bucket and had week old pig chow dumped onto his head. He ran off stage, crying for his Mama.

“Oh, that’s why.” Crow hummed.

After an ample amount of time watching toddlers virtually being tortured on live TV, he sighed and flicked it off. He grabbed his phone from it’s position resting on the cushion next to him and looked through his calendar. Finding nothing, he huffed and fell back against the couch. Saturday, eleven o’clock, and nothing to do. His days off were far in between and rare, so you would think he would cherish the quiet. However, he had already gotten to sleep in and eat breakfast at ten o’clock, so that’s all his dreams knocked out before noon even hit.

Just as he was about to give in and surf the TV for something else to watch, _ Don't Stop Me Now _by _Queen _filled the room. Crow glanced at his phone, only to find that a picture of Maxwell the dog had overtaken it along with the contact name “Redhead”.

Crowmark swiped right to accept the call and put it to his ear as he started cleaning up the mess of papers he’d made of the coffee table from writing his patrol reports. “Hey Brian, what do you need, pal?”

“Oh Crow, thank goodness you answered.” Brian’s voice came over the speaker, he sounded like he was in a rush with the panicked edge to his voice. “I hate to ask this of you, but I left my toolkit at home. I swear, next thing I know I’ll be forgetting my own pants.” 

Crow’s eyebrow raised as his boyfriend’s exasperated voice reach his ear. “You… forgot your toolkit?” He said disbelievingly. “That thing is practically attached to you, how did you forget it?”

“It was a busy morning,” Brian sighed. “Daisy’s alarm clock batteries died, so she was late waking up for her summer astronomy camp meetup. I hardly had time to change into my going out clothes before I had to rush her over there. She made it, but I left the toolkit in my rush.”

Crowmark could hear how Brian was getting more frazzled by the second and quickly got up to get his shoes on. “Relax, pal. I’ll get it, it’s in your garage, right?” He asked, slipping on his boots and, of course, his coat (you should not be surprised by now).

“Nah, it’s on the kitchen counter.” Brian told him.

“Gotcha, where are you?”

“I’m working on the new Right Bright on the corner of Oak and Pine Street.”

“Right Bright, that’s the new, expensive organic store that sells the stuff that tastes absolutely horrible but everyone buys anyway to appear healthy?”

“That’s the one.” Brian confirms. “Please hurry! The guys will never let me live it down if they found out I forgot it at home.”

Crowmark rolled his head until it let out a satisfying crack. “Should I bring a sandwich or something so you can just tell them I was just dropping off your lunch or whatever?”

“That would be great. I just feel bad that my embarrassment is making you do more work…” Brian trailed off, sounding guilty.

“Hey, don’t sweat it, pal.” Crowmark reassured him. “You would do the same thing if I asked, right?”

“Without question.” Brian replied with no hesitation.

“There you go.”

“Well… alright.” Brian conceded. “Thank you so much, Crow.” He said gratefully.

“No problem, I should be there in about twenty minutes.”

“Alrighty, thank you again.”

“No problem.”

* * *

It was busy. Very busy.

Crowmark didn’t know what he had expected from a construction sight. Maybe that was because the only experience he had with them was from _ Tom and Jerry _ and _ Looney Tunes _, but since he had yet to see any falling anvils or moving pieces of rebar hanging from a comically thin string anywhere, it had to be different from the cartoon version.

He did, however, have to duck and dodge several men and women carrying bars of steel frame and various cans of paint. Brian had texted him saying that he was waiting by the far right corner, where they were working out the floor plan for the second level or whatever, so he headed there. He could feel a few eyes on him, but didn’t pay it any mind. He knew he looked out of place wearing a heavy trench coat on such a hot day and carrying a toolkit on his shoulder and a bagged lunch in the other.

Eventually, after a few minutes of ambling around, looking for a head of ginger hair, he felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder. Crowmark, although alarmed, remained calm and looked over his shoulder to find Brian’s grinning face looking at him.

“Crow, you’re here. Thank god!” 

Crowmark didn’t know how it was possible to look so sweaty with even having any tools to work with, but decided not to question it and handed Brian his coveted toolkit. Just in time it seemed as a voice resounded over the site.

“Brian, there you are; get over here!” A woman yelled. “John’s screwing up the tile measurements again!” She laughed heartily as an equally tank-like man next to her let out an indignant noise as he scribbled and erased something frantically on a large chart.

“Looks like that’s my queue to scram.” Crowmark said, whipping around and ducked his head, as not to be noticed.

“Hey, Brian’s friend!” The same voice called. _ Shit. _ “Come on over, Bri never brings any of his buddies!”

“Guess you’re staying for a bit, Crow.” Brian’s amused voice chuckled. Crowmark sent him a glare, to which he just smiled even brighter, looped an arm around his shoulders and hustled him over towards his co-workers, who all looked too happy to be human beings.

“About time you made your way here, Harding.” The other man said with a good-natured smile. _ Is this why Brian is so frustratingly happy? Perhaps all the sawdust they breathe in? There has to be something. _

“Sorry Dirk, my buddy here was helping me out and brought me some lunch.” He said patting Crow’s shoulder.

“Speaking of, he doesn’t look like the kind of guy to hang around here.” The woman hummed. “What’cha do, Brian’s friend?” She asked.

Crowmark held out his hand. “Crowmark Spritzer, detective.”

John, finally done with messing with the schematics placed the worn down pencil on the small tray at the bottom of the chart and turned to face Crow. After the woman had shook Crow’s hand, John did as well. “You don’t look like the typical Maple Bay officer.” He commented after dropping his hand from the friendly gesture.

“Transferred from Brooklyn. Commissioner thought some quiet would help.” Crow simply said.

“Ah, I get that. Maple Bay’s the quietest place you’ll ever find.” John replied.

“Sure has been more full of life for me since Crow and I became buds.” Brian said honestly, though he had an unsure shadow over his face that said _ tell them we’re dating, or not? _

Crowmark didn’t answer his non-verbal question and instead just turned his attention back to the expectant constructors in from of them. “Became even better when we started dating.” He said, casually stuffing his hands in his pockets with an unreadable expression.

“Oh!” The woman gasped. 

“Well, I’ll be.” John chuckled. “Look-ee here, Ida.” He nudged the now named woman. “Harding found a man.”

Crow couldn’t help but feel a bit proud of the blush that went over Brian’s face. “Yeah, ‘bout a few months now.” He added and pointedly looked at his watch. “Well Bri, I gotta go. Promised Hugo I would watch the WWE Finals with him, Ernest, and Duchess Cordelia.” He pat his boyfriend on the shoulder and, after some mental debating, gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Take good care of my fella, yeah?” He asked rhetorically over his shoulder to John and Ida as he walked away with his coat fluttering dramatically in the wind that wasn’t there before.


	6. Quoth the Crow, Nevermore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to feed your dishwasher dish CLEANER, not dish SOAP or you'll have to deal with the bitching all day because of some measly suds getting all over the kitchen and inconveniencing everyone's day. :3

Crowmark looked at the box of chamomile tea, wondering why the hell the pot needed to be left out to “relax” as the box said. Offering to make Damien tea was a mistake, one he would gladly make again to keep in his boyfriend from any unnecessary bouts of pain or uncomfort from his recently broken ankle.

Apparently, Damien had been hanging up a newly pinned Chestnut Tiger, which was native to China, when the stool he was standing on collapsed underneath him. Brian investigated later and found out that one of the nails keeping the supporting bars in place had come loose and fell out, resulting in the bar falling out and Damien breaking his ankle. Luckily, the doctor said that it wasn’t a very critical fracture and would heal in a month or two. Until then, the neighborhood has been helping the goth out, Crowmark being the primary one since he was on leave from the station for a week’s reprieve.

“Dear, do you need some assistance?” Damien’s voice floating into the kitchen brought him out of his thinking. “I know making tea is difficult sometimes…”

“No, I’m good!” Crowmark calls back, against his better judgement. “Just need to get the water boiling.” He added on, satisfied that that would be something someone who knew how to make tea would say.

“Alright then, just let me know if you need any, darling. Just because I am wearing a cast doesn’t mean I am completely indisposed.”

“I know, Dames. Just don’t want you doing any unnecessary work. Think of it this way, the more you relax, the sooner your foot’ll heal.”

“I suppose you are correct in that regard.” Damien admitted.

Crowmark spent the next few minutes carefully reading the precise instructions on the box and following each step exactly. Eventually, the mess he had made of the written instructions started falling into place. When he figured out that he wasn’t supposed to cut the little white bag holding the tea, he got the hang of it pretty quickly. He poured the hot water into one of the delicate teacups in Damien’s impressive china collection and dipped the bag into it. He put everything onto a silver tray (it was actually real silver, Crow was unsurprised to find out), including the kettle, some sugar cubes in a small bowl, a few lemon slices, and some finger sandwiches Damien had showed him how to make a few weeks ago.

It took a minute for him to tight-rope walk to the living room, or drawing room as Damien called it, without spilling any of the tea or displacing any snacks from their strategically placed position. He finally managed to place down the tray without sloshing anything, and picked up the full teacup to offer it to Damien. The other man took it with a steady hand and, after taking a sip, placed it on the small saucer with a content hum.

“Absolutely splendid, Crowmark.” Damien smiled. 

“Thanks, Dames.” Crow replied, handing Damien a small, cloth napkin to wipe his mouth with.

“Crowmark, I have something to ask of you and I would like to do it now rather than forget later.” Damien said after a moment of comfortable silence.

“Sure, what is it?” Crow asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow at the man sitting across from him.

“I am attending a meeting with my book club to discuss the poet Edgar Allen Poe, it would be ever so helpful if you could come with me simply to carry my belongings while I use my crutches.”

Crow blinked, “Oh. Yeah, sure. What time is it?”

“Since it is a rather… Goth exclusive club and we all do rather enjoy the night,” Damien hesitated. “It is at eleven-thirty.”

“Oh.” Crowmark grimaced but quickly averted the look when he saw Damien’s features drop. “I would be happy to help you out, Dames.” He said with a strained, albeit genuine small smile.

* * *

“This is it, right here.” Damien said after Crow turned onto Birch Boulevard. Crowmark looked to where Damien was pointing and- of course, a Goth book club would be set up in a place that looked like that one creepy murder house no one wanted to go to on Halloween.

Crow simply muttered a _right _and pulled over to park on the side of the street that the house was on. He got out first, walked around the car to Damien’s side, pulled out the crutches from the back, and helped Damien stand up to support himself on them.

“Thank you, darling.” The Victorian in the modern age said gratefully.

“No problem.” Crow responded, tucking Damien’s poem book under his arm and gently lifting up the wrapped snack platter he had helped Damien put together earlier that day from the backseat. He followed Damien up the small, cobblestone driveway and looked at the house with uncertainty. Once they had made it to the front door that, luckily, didn’t have any steps, Damien shifted his weight to rest on his left side and used his now free hand to grasp a cast iron door knocker that was shaped into some kind of malicious version of a bat.

Damien and Crowmark stood there in oppressive silence for what seemed to be longer than what Joseph took to perfect his hair every morning before the double oak doors opened with an ominous _ creak _. 

Crowmark tries not to think about how the house looks similar to one he was investigating back in Brooklyn.

The one that was attached to a double homicide. 

Crowmark stepped inside with a wary look, even though Damien had supposedly been here many times, doesn’t mean he trusted it any more than he trusted Craig to make something that tastes edible.

As they were walking down the seemingly infinite hallway with Damien checking every room there is for life, a sudden presence is blatantly obvious behind Crow. Now, he’s been through enough situations like this to remain calm, but that doesn’t stop the haste he feels to take the threat down. Against his screaming instincts to attack, he instead slowly turns around to face the thing behind him.

* * *

“Sugar cubes, Mr. Spritzer?”

“No thanks.” Crowmark replied to a woman he learned to be Luna Goodman, one of book club members.

A stately and proper looking man stood up and gently clinked his fork against his glass. “Before we begin our high tea, I must again apologize profusely for sneaking up on you, Mr. Crowmark. Damien has told me that you're a detective and I didn’t think my actions through.” The man, Courtson, said with a solemn look on his distinguished face.

“It’s… alright, pal.” Crowmark said, still processing the formal speech through his fatigue-clogged head.

“Oh dear, could you fetch me my book, please?” Damien asked politely.

“Sure, Dames.” Crowmark replied back and looked around before remembering he had left it in the hallway so he could carry the snack platter with two steady hands. “Uh, I’ll be right back.” He said, unsure of how to dismiss himself without seeming too uncouth.

Crow found the book he had placed on an accent table in the grand hallway and grabbed it before retracing his steps back to the sitting room. As he neared his destination, he could hear voices floating out from the room. He knew it was considered rude to eavesdrop on people’s conversations, but after he heard his name being mentioned, he couldn’t help his curiosity.

“So,” He heard Ms. Weinstein's prim, but kind voice through the small crack the door left when he let go of it. “Mr. Spritzer, hm?” Her voice had a teasing tone to it.

Crow could practically see the blush on Damien’s face from previous encounters in reaction to teasing and the way the goth reacted. “O-Oh, well, uh, yes, I suppose so.” Damien’s flustered voice said.

“He’s such a gentlemen!” Luna’s excitement was palpable, even through the thick oak door that separated Crowmark from her. “He drove you all away across town, helped you at home for the past two weeks, and still finds the energy to be so courteous and well mannered.”

“Yes, those are the things that drew me to him in the first place.” Damien said, sounding more sure of himself now. “He has this shroud of mystery around him, a beautiful soul surrounded by jaggedness and ashes in the middle of a war beaten ground.”

Crowmark couldn’t help but feel a bit tingly inside, never had someone talked about him in such a… poetic sense. The way Damien described him made him feel like one of those smooth and sly characters he saw on TV. The words Damien used made him feel good about himself in a way he hasn’t felt for a while.

However, he also knows that it doesn’t take much longer to grab a book from the hallway, so he pointedly makes some noise before re-entering the room. 

“Here you go, Dames.” He said, handing the book over to his boyfriend.

“Thank you, dear.” Damien says, taking the book. Crowmark is pleasantly shocked when Damien uses this interaction as a chance to tug him down into a kiss. He can hear a scandalized _ Oh, my! _From Ms. Weinstein, but can’t bring himself to care.

After Damien lets him go with a light brush of his hair, Crowmark stands up awkwardly, feeling out of place. “Well, I guess I’ll go wait in the hallway…” He trails off, already backing towards the door.

“Just a moment, Mr. Crowmark.” Courtson stopped him. “Would you like to join us? We are discussing one Edgar Allen Poe and his works.”

Crowmark feels a moment of surprise wash over him and turns to take the empty seat next to Damien. “Well, I don’t know much about fine literature, but you got lucky today._The Raven _is my favorite poem.” He says with a small, barely there smile.


	7. PTA (Pickaxe The Assholes)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you look into a rabid animal's eyes, what do you see? I'm asking for a friend...

It was a nice, tranquil day and Crow was lounging on a bench he came across in the forest area of the park. The sunlight fell in a few cracks between the leaves above, letting in just the right amount of light for Crow to be able to close his eyes without having too much light on his face. 

It was completely peaceful, so of course his phone had chosen this moment to ring. Crow begrudgingly cracked open his eyes, sluggish from the comfortable warmth of the bench from the sunlight. He lazily groped for his phone in his pocket and eventually fished it out after the phone rang for the second time.

Crow squinted through his sleep hazy vision and vaguely saw the wrestler Eastern Dragon’s icon on his screen. It was Hugo then, but what could he want?

Crow answered it for the sake of his curiosity and because it was kind of his duty as a boyfriend not to ignore your partners no matter how much you felt like chucking your phone into the river you’re sitting by. “Hey.”

“Oh, you answered, thank god.” Hugo’s frazzled voice came through the speaker, Crow could almost imagine him running his hands through his hair, something he did whenever he was stressed. “I am absolutely swamped at the PTA meeting, Colin’s parents insisted on reviewing security tapes to see if I was telling the truth and not quote, ‘Slowing their son down out of jealousy and spite.’” Hugo’s voice came out as sarcastic than declarative. “Can you please pick Ernest up? Ever since he set that trashcan on fire in the movie theater he’s not allowed to go home without adult accompaniment.”

Crow blinked, but recovered fast. “Sure, Hugo, I’ll go get him. Do I just wait in the parking lot then?”

“Yes,” Hugo said, sounding more hurried than before. “Be there at three thirty, I have to go now. Bye, honey.” He concluded and Crow had enough time to say _ Bye, Dork _before the call was disconnected. He put his phone away.

Crow sat there for a moment, just staring at the foliage around him. “What did I get myself into?”

* * *

It was crowded. Very crowded.

Crow cursed to himself as another youth walked in front of his car. They weren’t paying attention unsurprisingly, just chatting on their phone as if the world around them was a construct of holograms that couldn’t hurt them.

A few minutes later and Crow was ready to speed forward, the lives of children be damned until the passenger door opened and a familiar orange hoodie popped into the seat adjacent to him.

“Delinquent,” Crow greeted, not taking his eyes off the road in front of him for one second.

“Inspector Gadget,” Ernest replied and pulled out his phone when a buzzing filled the car. “Dad just texted, asked if you could wait for him since he’s almost done with the meeting.”

Even though he would rather shoot himself in the foot than stay in this adolescent hell for one more second, he agreed. “Alright, sure. Let’s just find a place with less… everything.” The man grumbled and pulled over into a spot reserved for teachers. He was waiting for a teacher, it was close enough.

* * *

Crow didn’t think the school could look so barren within twenty minutes, but then again Ernest had called Hugo “dad” a few moments ago, so anything could be possible at this point.

Ernest was playing with his phone next to him and it brought back deja vu from when he was trying to talk to Amanda about her school life while she was fiddling with her own phone. The resemblance was uncanny: unblinking eyes, barely breathing, and completely immersed in the small box of technology like it was some kind of real life version of _ The Matrix _. 

“Alright, I’m bored. Let’s go see what’s holding your old man up.” Crow declared and commanded in the same statement. He pulled his keys out of the ignition and stepped out of the car, but not before hearing a huff of irritation from his passenger.

They walked along the mostly empty parking lot, there were probably some stubborn parents who refused to leave until they had covered everything about their child’s school reputation and some unfortunate teachers who had to juggle them all with one hand and frantically search through school records with the other.

Ernest led him to the empty classroom at the end of the hall and Crow could already tell that this was going to be a nightmare from the moment he noticed he could hear the voices of disgruntled parents all the way at the entrance.

Crow didn’t even have time to bring both feet over the threshold of the classroom before the commotion started up. “There’s no way this can be right!” A high pitched woman’s voice practically screeched, despite the poster right next to her that had a shushing emoji (Amanda explained to him what emojis were) and the text _Inside Voices, Please! _stamped across the top. “My Colin has been studying every night!”

Hugo sighed and deadpanned, “I’m afraid what he was really doing was sneaking out of his room and chasing down neighborhood raccoons with rocks and sticks.” 

“That can’t be true.” The woman stubbornly insisted for what Crow is guessing to be more than what one person can handle if the face Hugo is making has anything to say.

“No matter what you think, Mrs. Tanly, your son’s grades are depleting and if he wants to get into the next grade, he’s going to have to really crack down on his schoolwork and get extra credit wherever he can.” Hugo replied calmly.

“I demand the school board to review his work, this can’t be right.” Mrs. Tanly stamped her foot while a man, Mr. Tanly probably, stood next to her with a tired face similar to Hugo’s.

“Fine, but it won’t change the fact that your son is a poor student who has no heeding for authority or safety.” Hugo said faux politeness.

“Don’t get high and mighty with me.” Mrs. Tanly scoffed. “I’ve heard stories of your son, the chainsmoker. I’m surprised he hasn’t been arrested yet.” 

_ Alright, _ Crow thought, _ time for me to step in. _ He cleared his throat, catching the attention of Mrs. Tanly and Hugo. Casually, Crow looped an arm around Ernest, “Hey, Dork.” He called out to Hugo. “Just got here. Sorry we’re late, Ernest here insisted on helping some students's grandmother cross the street.” Ernest didn’t say anything but looked up at him out of the corner of his eye. Crow side-eyed him with a silent statement of _ Shut it, I’m getting you points with your old man. _

“Really?” Mrs. Tanly’s shocked face was probably immensely satisfying to Ernest, which yeah, she basically said he should have been in juvie by now.

“Really?” Hugo’s eyes widened, adjusting his glasses as if to make sure he heard right.

“Yup,” Crow responded easily. “Real grade A boyscout you got here, Dork.” He directed to Hugo, using the nickname that was most borderline affectionate, as he did with all his boyfriends. “You ready to head out, Dork?” He asked Hugo.

Hugo took a second to nod his head, as if he still couldn’t believe it and collected his suit coat and briefcase before walking over to his son and lover. He seemed to have snapped out of it by the time he made it, for he looked over his shoulder at the Tanly’s, “A word of advice, watch your damn kid.” He snarked and Crow let go of the door he was holding open for Hugo and it shut with a final _ click_.

Hugo almost immediately hugged him, “Ugh, I cannot thank you enough. I didn’t know how much longer there were going to keep me there and demand I look over every record of the kid I hate most.”

Crow, not having much experience in hugging, awkwardly did the customary two pats on the back. “It’s no problem, pal. Let’s go home, yeah? You an’ Ernest can have dinner with me an’ Manda, it’s taco night.” Crow smiled at the mental image of the delicious food. “Though Robert might pop over, always hard to tell with him.”

Hugo beamed and wrapped an arm around Crow. “That sounds wonderful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a forewarning, the next chapter might take longer to make. I want to think out every detail carefully. Here's a Crowmark aesthetic/moodboard thing to tide you over until the chapter is out.
> 
> https://www.canva.com/design/DADiqdlWoj8/Hocr0EoAoXypl-cxn02obA/view?presentation


	8. Attack of Spritzer Castle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go peeps. This ain't my last work, but updates are gonna be coming a teeny bit slower considering the school season is back up and everyone's busy, including myself. Later, gaters!

“Daaaaaaddddd.” A voice whined from the inky black abyss that covered his vision. “Wake uuuuuppppp! You have to make me breakfast, do you want your child to starve? Is that what you want, Father?” The demand was accompanied by a violent shaking of the arm that was hanging off his bed.

“Ung.” Crow groaned, cracking open an eye before hissing at the sudden influx of light into his sleep-sensitive retina. “S’too early, Panda.” He rolled over, flopping like a beached whale. “Go’ta sleep…” he murmured.

“No! Breakfast waits for no one!” Amanda yanked the blanket off Crowmark and started bouncing on the bed.

“Since when do you have so much energy in the morning?” Crow’s voice fluctuated between Amanda’s bounces.

“Have to adjust to doing all nighters at college, pops.” Amanda replied, grabbing his arm and pulling him up and off the bed. “Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast!” She chanted, seating herself at the counter as Crow started himself a cup of coffee before laying some raw bacon and eggs onto a pan. The man spared the clock on the wall a glance and saw that it was already almost lunch time, then looked down at his array of breakfast foods and shrugged. Oh, well.

He poured Amanda some sweet tea and himself pineapple juice (wild night with Craig during college had him discovering his borderline obsession with everything pineapple, much to Robert’s later delight) and set out two plates. With a quick look to the eggs and bacon, he had about fifteen minutes until he had to take them off, so that means- “Pancakes, Panda?”

“Hell, yeah!” Came the enthusiastic response. Looks like her mother’s morbid morning bird attitude is finally kicking in after eighteen years. “Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes!”

Twenty minutes later, the Spritzers were eating contently with Amanda rambling on about how excited she was to meet her new roommate apparently named Plumina. From what Crow could gather from his daughter’s barely understandable and rushed dialect, Plumina was a Drama major and had the coolest 40’s style pin up hairstyle with horn-rimmed glasses. Has to be better than all the mullets he saw back when he was in college…

Scratch that, anything is better than mullets.

Just as Amanda had finished gobbling down her first pancake and was about to go into another tangent, there was a harder-than-necessary knock at the door. Crow reluctantly put down his bacon with a warning look to Amanda not to eat his food and went to answer the door.

And he was met with something no one wanted to see when they first wake up.

“Who do you think you are?!” A shrill, feminine voice yelled in his face. When the ringing in his ears eventually faded, he noticed that it was Mrs. Overly standing on his porch, with a small crowd of other women behind her, all looking terribly familiar.

“I saw you with your arm wrapped around a teacher at Maple High, then you _ kissed _him. What happened to you and Joseph, hm?” A pissy Mrs. Overly asked sarcastically, tapping her foot impatiently for an answer that Crow was too stunned to give.

“I saw you holding hands with a gruff man in a bar!” Another woman stomped up, Crow vaguely recognized her as the annoying softball mom, Janet, shoving Mrs. Overly out of the way. “Maybe I should tell Craig, huh?” She huffed with a glare.

Yet again, another shove took place, this time with the unnamed woman from Jim and Kim’s stepping up in front of him. “You were making googly eyes with a darker skinned man at a concert!” She accused, shoving a finger into his chest, Crow winced slightly at the feel of her unnecessarily long nails stabbing into his skin.

Rude Woman was moved aside, albeit this time a bit more gently and Ida’s face came into his vision. “I saw you with a stately man smooching on the doorstep of Lord Courtson’s house. To think I thought you were a nice guy…” She trailed off sadly, looking like a kicked puppy.

“Um, hello? Can I step in here?” A younger, more exuberant voice piped up. Ida obliged, despite her being upset and let Benita onto the small step in front of the confused man at the entryway. “Yeah, you’re a jerk.” She stated, crossing her arms. “Why were you macking on that buff dude at the softball game, huh? Cheating is not cool, man.”

“I also saw you with a ginger man hugging rather… intimately. What do you have to say for yourself, you no good man hussy?” Mrs. Tanly added, working through the crowded porch to stand next to Benita.

“Fanoodling around with all these men. How undignified! And with the youth minister too!” Crow wearily looked over and found the nice lady from the book club, Mrs. Weinstein, standing there with a heavy look of disdain across her face.

“Hey, Pops!” Amanda’s voice rang through the growing chaos like a beam of mercy from the Heaven’s. “We’re out of-” She stopped short next to her father as she caught sight of the angry women at their door. 

“There should be more in the cabinet above the sink, kiddo.” Crow replied easily, used to Amanda’s forgetfulness.

“Uh, sure.” She said distractedly, staring at the crowd. “Thanks, Pops…” She trailed off, but didn’t move from her spot frozen in front of the door.

“You expose your daughter to your corrupt lifestyle?” An outraged Janet cried, her face getting progressively more red.

“Wait- what?” Amanda’s eyes widen.

“Wha- no!” Crow replied hurriedly. “Look ladies, I can explain-”

“Whatever it is, I don’t wanna hear it.” Benita waved him off.

“What possible explanation could you have when you were seen cheating on seven different men?” Rude Woman asked, arching a disbelieving eyebrow.

“You ever hear of polyamory relationships?” Amanda cut in. That caught everyone’s attention. 

“My dad met all of his boyfriends after we moved,” She continued. “He made friends, built connections, and found love in more than one person. As a well-read man or Erin Van Vuren one said ‘_I don’t want to live in a world where we only fall in love once. _’ I would have expected more from mature adults, but I guess my expectations were too high.” Ouch, that made even Crow flinch at the cold remark.

There was an awed silence and Crow couldn’t help the pride he felt for his daughter at that moment, he could feel it, like a warmth seeping into his chest.

“Aw man,” Benita finally spoke up. “I’m so sorry, Crow dude. I’m always preaching about accepting people the way they are, but here I am yelling at you on your doorstep without even trying to talk about it like rational adults. I guess my care for Mat blinded my logical reasoning.” She said ashamedly, bowing her head. “Could you ever forgive me, man?”

“Of course, Benita.” Crow nodded, patting her shoulder. “I don’t blame you, relationships like I have are… unusual.”

“That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but thank you.” She said gratefully.

“My turn to hop on the apology train!” Ida stepped in with a sheepish look. “Crowmark, I’m sorry for judging you without all the facts. It was wrong of me to snap at you before I had the entire picture. I guess it’s like I tried to install a system of copper wire without the blueprints for mapping areas!” She scratched the back of her neck with a sheepish look etched on her face.

Crow didn’t really understand the carpenter talk, but nodded anyway with a small smile. “It’s okay, Ida. This can just be something we laugh about, right?”

“Righty-o!” She responded, more cheerful.

“Ahem, if I may?” A prim voice spoke up politely from behind Ida, she let out a surprised _ oh! _before stepping down and letting Ms. Weinstein take the stage.

“I suppose I owe you an apology as well, Mr. Crowmark.” She sighed. “I acted quite unlady like and unkind. I may not completely comprehend what modern relationships are like, but if I care for the people in them, I should make an effort to understand them more.” She said firmly, as if admonishing herself. “I would be delighted if you could take the time to explain them to me, I fear a book may be… too scholarly for this particular subject.”

“I would like that, Ms. Weinstein. Earl Grey again?” 

“Oh dear, no offense, but I’ve tasted your tea.” She patted his arm good-naturedly. “Why don’t you bring those delightful finger sandwiches again?”

Crow chuckled lowly, “Can do, miss.”

The tender and happy moment was dissipated by an infuriated cry. “You people are just accepting this?!” Rude Woman asked, shocked.

“It’s perversion and prostitution at its finest!” A put out Mrs. Tanly added on.

"_Why_would anyone think this is justifiable?” Mrs. Overly said, looking equal parts confused and angry.

“It’s unnatural!” Janet exclaimed. “He’s taking literally all of the good men!” She all but whined.

“Deal with it, bitches!” Amanda uttered confidently, Crow resisted the urge to groan out a _ language _ with an eye roll. “Ida, Ms. Weinstein, Benita, cool seeing you. The rest of you can can it! I’m gonna go finish my breakfast.” She declared and spun around back to the kitchen. 

“Well, I better go before she eats my breakfast. Thanks for making my morning interesting, ladies.” Crow waved to all of them and got three goodbyes in return while the four ill-mannered women stood stock still, still stupefied at the fact that a teenager called them out and told them to shut up within the same five seconds.

* * *

“Well, there goes me going back to sleep.” Crow remarked as he slid back into his chair, in front of his plate that miraculously still had all his food on it. “Too damn wired up now.” He sighed, cracking his neck.

“I guess those self-confidence exercises Mr. Vega made us do were worth it.” Amanda commented, scrolling through her phone idly.

“I did those when I was at college, if by _ self-confidence _you mean being dared to drive a motorcycle off of the frat house roof and onto one of the parade floats during the annual mascot pep rally and actually doing it, then yeah. Had a lot of those.”

“Okay, I definitely want to hear more. But first, pancakes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Can't be bothered to put clever something here, later.


End file.
